Sunday's Joke of the Day

According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes.

His horse is missing a bit. I got it right from the horse's mouth.

Advice is like cooking - you should try it before you feed it to others.

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

 A man wrapped up in himself makes a mighty small bundle.

 A man diving from a 60-foot platform into a pail of water is only a drop in the bucket.

A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.

 What do you call it when two egotists butt heads? An I for an I!

 What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini? Olive or twist?

If someone complains that punning is the lowest from of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Our teacher talks to herself; does yours?
Yes, but she doesn't realize it; she thinks we're actually listening!

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

I got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it.

History Lesson: Did you know that in 1850, the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted?

Did you hear about the guy who took a course at a college on making nativity scenes? It was a crèche course.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Did you hear about the psychic who was involved in a fender bender? He had an auto-body experience.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Introducing "LITE" -- the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters!

I’m reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.  I just can’t put it down.

Why is a crossword puzzle like a quarrel?
Because one word leads to another.

When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?

Every calendar's days are numbered.

My mother told me not to yell through the screen door. She did not want me to strain my voice.

A white lie is aversion of the truth